by Annie Burger, MSW, Certified Professional Coach
Have you had times when you keep repeating something that seems to fall on deaf ears?
Have you experienced someone telling you the same thing over and over, like a broken record?
When communication gets repetitive there is usually something going on under the surface. Either it’s not getting through, you’re all talk, no action, or it’s the same old song you don’t need to hear again.
It’s Not Getting Through
Imagine that every time you talk to your brother he says that he is lonely. You are annoyed by this and you’re thinking “I’m right here talking to you, dude!” Unsure of what to say, your response is to change the subject. One reason for repetitive communication is that the speaker feels unheard. You can resolve this by asking for more details. You might say “You’ve been saying that a lot lately. What’s going on?” This gives your brother the opportunity to express himself further. Perhaps he’s feeling isolated during the pandemic. You suggest he check out Meetup.com for online events. The next time you talk to your brother he tells you about a virtual cooking class he took part in. Your brother may still feel lonely, but no longer feels the need to express it because he feels like you heard him, and that you care.
If your brother continues to express loneliness you should ask him if he needs support and offer to help him find a professional to talk to, perhaps a Life Coach. Feeling isolated and lonely is common right now, and it’s important to find healthy ways to cope.
If you find yourself repeating something to friends and family, try to take a closer look at what’s going on. Do you need to work on self soothing? Try to identify if you need help and who you can ask for help. You may need to say “I feel like you aren’t hearing me” or “I don’t feel like you understand how important this is” in order to shift the conversation and make it more productive. Sometimes we have to make things very clear and say “I’m not feeling like myself lately and I don’t know what to do about it. Please help me come up with some ideas.”
It’s All Talk
Have you ever found yourself having the same conversation over and over with someone you are close to? It can be very frustrating to feel like you are stuck in a loop. Perhaps the wife says that she needs more help around the house. The husband responds that he will help if she tells him what to do. This devolves into the 1,000th argument about household chores.
If you can predict the argument word for word, then you know it’s time to shift from words to actions. Instead of getting caught up in an argument about how much each of you does for the family, try saying “Ok, we know what the problem is. What should we do about it?” This question encourages both people to think of specific actions they can take. The wife may say “I need you to empty the dishwasher any time you see the dishes are clean.” The husband can agree to that and start doing it. The next time the argument comes up, the couple might strategize how to jointly do the laundry. Little by little this argument will lose steam because the underlying issues are getting resolved.
It’s important to change how you respond to repetitive conversations. Shifting to action or to a deeper conversation will bring positive results. An even deeper discovery could come up- the wife feels like asking her husband to do specific chores is just more work for her, and she feels unappreciated. The husband may come to understand how much work is involved in running the household, and decide to take more initiative. I have seen this play out with couples in Couple’s Coaching.
Same Old Song
Sometimes we are on the receiving end of constant negative feedback. It’s not a great place to be! If someone close to you is constantly putting you down, calling you lazy or making broad generalizations like “you never want to do anything.” In this situation, it is probably less about you and more about the criticizer’s need to find a better way to deal with things they don’t like.
To resolve this you can try to see if there is something more they want to communicate, something that’s not getting through and work on resolving the underlying issue.However, it’s most likely the criticizer’s own “stuff” that is the issue in this case. You can set boundaries and expectations by saying “I hear you and I do not need you to keep telling me this.” You can maintain your boundary by saying “that is hurtful and I asked you to stop saying it.” You can provide an appropriate consequence if the boundary is not honored, such as removing yourself from the situation after saying “If you are going to be critical I can’t talk to you right now.”
Being in relationship with very critical people can be toxic. Sometimes we put up with it because it’s coming from a family member and sometimes we do it for love. It isn’t a healthy relationship dynamic. If you cannot set healthy boundaries you may need to limit your interactions with the criticizer. It can be difficult to change long standing patterns, and sometimes the best thing to do is to walk away from toxic relationships. You may want to see a life coach for help setting boundaries and assessing your options.
In Conclusion
Hopefully these ideas will be helpful the next time you find yourself in the presence of someone who sounds like a broken record, or you realize that you, yourself, are stuck on repeat. It’s not deja vu, and it is likely happening for a reason! I hope you will break the pattern by calmly asking questions and allowing space for people to express themselves.
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© 11/5/2020 by Andrea Burger, Content in this blog is the Intellectual Property of True Connections Life Coaching, LLC. Print and share with attribution.
Annie thank you. Some of that just resonates with me about going over all ground that I’ve been over a number of times before. I know I need to take some other actions too, but I’m unsure of myself and exactly what to do. However to sit and do nothing is exactly the wrong thing to do. Thanks for your newsletter in peace. I hope it motivates me to at least try some different avenues for change.