Happy Holidays? How to Cope at Family Gatherings

By Annie Burger, MSW, Certified Life Coach

The holiday season can be difficult for many reasons. It can bring up memories of holidays past, so while you sit through thanksgiving dinner with your in-laws, you are also thinking about thanksgivings spent with your grandparents when you were young. Those memories may be happy or stressful. There may be people missing at the table, and sometimes there are new additions. It’s hard not to notice the different traditions followed or not followed by those you are sharing the holiday with. 

Did you know that even positive events can be stressful? Holiday gatherings require planning and organization, and the people doing that work are often stressed. Those visiting from out of town have to brave holiday travel. Cooking for others can cause worry about how the food will turn out. Changes in routine and stretching outside our comfort zones can also be stressful.

Think about the emotional layers that come up for you around a particular holiday. Now imagine what layers may come up for each person you are celebrating with. Your father is thinking about his parents that live out of the country. Your sister had a recent breakup. Your brother misses the family dog. Your mother is feeling overworked and underappreciated by the family. Your uncle feels awkward because he usually spends the holidays elsewhere. THERE ARE SO MANY FEELINGS IN HERE! Realizing that makes it easy to see why some family members may be short tempered or seem sad as they get another refill of spiked eggnog. While alcohol is one way to cope with holiday stress, it isn’t a healthy option. Alcohol doesn’t erase big feelings, it just hides them. It is best to address the underlying issues. Life Coaching for Emotional Wellness can help explore these issues and strategize healthy ways to cope with holiday stress.

Coping with Stress

It may seem obvious, but making sure that you are eating and sleeping well is very important to being able to manage stress. Try to limit caffeine and sugar. They may temporarily lift you up, but then they drop you, impacting your mood. Set yourself up for a calm family event by taking care of yourself in the days preceding it.

Relaxing activities are useful before and after stressful events, even if the stress is just from anticipation that there could be conflict. Meditation, visualization and mindfulness are effective relaxation techniques. You can find free guided exercises on YouTube. Check out the links on my Resources page. Another technique to try is aromatherapy. You can add relaxing essential oils like ylang ylang, lavender or bergamot to your hand lotion.  Exercise is also helpful in relieving stress, so walk, jog, do yoga, or whatever physical activity you enjoy. Other ways to relax include spending time in nature, watching a comedy, or getting a massage. I recommend The Metta Center in Burke, VA for yoga and massage!

Another way to reduce stress during family gatherings is to strategize beforehand. It’s funny how this doesn’t seem to occur to us. We don’t have to reserve strategizing for tic tac toe! Here are some things to consider as holidays and family gatherings approach.

Have Neutral Topics Ready

Be ready to toss out conversation starters that will (hopefully) lead to neutral conversations. Reminisce about early childhood memories like when so and so was first learning to talk. Ask people what their favorite vacation was. Pull out an ice breaker, like “If you could have a superpower, what would it be?” Ice breakers may be cheesy, but they are usually effective.

Think about your family member’s lives so that you can ask them questions. This shows caring, and it’s also a good way to change the topic if needed. By planning ahead you won’t have to think of something on the spot when you need a conversational segue way. Ask about someone’s hobby, the kid or pet they like to share photos of, or their retirement plans. You can also think about what you are comfortable sharing about your life in advance. If there is a touchy subject you’d rather not talk about, decide how to respond in advance.

Know your Allies

Maybe your cousin is always being asked when she’s going to have a baby, while you get hounded about your career. Why not conspire to help each other out when these topics come up? You can agree to steer the conversation to a new topic whenever someone brings up a hot topic. When your uncle asks your cousin how many kids she’s going to have, and when she’s going to get started, you can swoop in and ask your uncle about his wooden duck collection. If someone refuses to be deterred and keeps bringing the conversation back around, you can speak up for your cousin by saying how it’s unfair that women get pressured to have children, and that not having kids is a valid choice. This response may cause an argument, but you can comfortably debate the topic since it’s not about you.

Have an Escape Hatch

Manage stress by keeping your options open. Have your own transportation so that you can come and go on your own timeline. Don’t be afraid to establish a time that you need to leave in advance. You can use an excuse like you have to wrap presents/avoid bad weather/get enough sleep.

Invent reasons to take little breaks as needed. You can go outside for a walk or to look at the stars. You can run to the store for something, anything you might suddenly need, like eye drops. If you find yourself in a difficult situation, just say you need to use the bathroom as a reason to leave the room. No need to hurry back. You can take a break from the crowd by checking in on a family member who is older or tends to sit on the sidelines.

Divide Your Attention

Having an activity can help you relax, while leaving you partially open to socializing. Bring along your crossword puzzle book or knitting. You can play solitaire while chatting with family. (Play with actual cards; being on your cell phone may be seen as rude.) Wouldn’t be nicer to answer questions about how you learned to knit instead of questions about your struggling business?

Know This Too Shall Pass

Nothing is permanent, and keeping that in mind can reduce stress in any situation. Your frame of mind influences your perceptions and the amount of stress you experience. Remember that holiday gatherings are a short term stressor, just a day or weekend. It’s (hopefully) not a month long cruise with your extended family. Try to look on the bright side and find the humor in the situation when possible.

Happy Holidays!

Now that you have coping skills to help you handle stress and strategies to help you plan ahead for the next family gathering, I wish you happy holidays.

Feel free to comment below about coping skills that work for you, and share your strategies for family gatherings.

(C) 2020 by Andrea Burger, Content in this blog is the Intellectual Property of True Connections Life Coaching, LLC . Print and share with attribution.